By January 2020, Boris, Great Leader of the Independent Kingdom of Brexitannia, had set the nation and its people free from the tyranny and oppression of the unelected EU dictatorship.
This new found freedom was celebrated with universal joy and relief by Leavers across the country.
But only a few months later, as if to test his mettle further, he was unexpectedly faced with the dark evil of the China Virus™. Although invented by the Chinese, it was of course all the fault of the EU so it was fortunate that the nation had managed to escape its clutches, free to control its own destiny and borders, standing on its own two feet and catching its own fish. While the brexiters believed that we could close the gate, lock the door, draw the curtains and everything will be fine, the dastardly China Virus™ had other ideas. It showed no respect for controlled borders, not that Brexit had managed to stop all sorts of foreigners coming and going or, according to the Farage Institute of Immigration, millions of illegal immigrants paddling their inflatables across the English Channel. Undaunted, the Great Leader marshalled all the resources available to him. His Downing Street Three Word Slogan Unit, so successful during the Brexit War with slogans like ‘Brexit Means Brexit’ and ‘Get Brexit Done’, got to work on the Virus with things like ‘Hands, Knees, Boomps-a-daisy’ and ‘Trace, Face, Space’. The People, set free of the EU, were Locked Down by the Virus for months on end. Billions of pounds were spaffed up against the wall to deliver a world beating global Vaccination Rollout ©. Tory business chums selflessly offered their help in providing supplies of PPE and medical equipment, in return for unaccounted contracts worth billions. Somebody called Dildo Hardon rode in to engineer the world beating Trak’n’Trace App™ costing more billions. But by July 2021, despite cases of the dreaded China Virus™ increasing and more and more people crossing the tightly controlled border, the Great Leader was able to announce the nation secure against any continuing threats from the Virus. Taking advice from business leaders, and ignoring the loony left namby pamby woke scaremongering of expert scientists, he considered the time was right to end the Lockdowns, throw off the shackles, shred the masks, open the nightclubs and GET BACK TO NORMAL. Oh how beautiful was that word ‘normal’. Oh how the people yearned to be normal again! The cries of freedom rang loud around the country: End the Lockdown! Open the Economy! Set My People Free! And so it was that the Great Leader declared Freedom Day© on Monday 19th July 2021, the 80th anniversary of Winston Churchill launching his ‘V for Victory’ campaign in 1941 and only five days after Bastille Day across La Manche. It was envisaged that Freedom Day would similarly be a celebration of the unity of the nation, although the motto might be more like Pauvreté, Inégalité, Hostilité than Liberté, Égalité, Fraternité. Not that there would be a motto in French anyway because the French as well as the EU were the cause of all our problems. Apart from no motto, there was no celebration either. By a strange twist of fate, despite the success of the mighty world beating Vaccination Rollout © the newly appointed Health Minister and former billionaire banker Saj ‘Two Jabs’ Javid had contracted the China Virus™, obliging the Great Leader and his Chancellor Dishy Sunak to ‘self-isolate’. They thought they could get round this by putting Downing Street in a ‘pilot scheme’ allowing them to avoid isolating. But only 24 hours later they decided to isolate after all because their real time polling and rolling focus group data was telling them the people took a dim view to this. But never mind, the poor people of Brexitannia can look forward to the Festival of Brexit……
Bella Cambria 